September 2006

HERE ARE THE QUICK DETAILS – for those who don’t have the time or energy to read the whole thing...

(1) Been there, done that, and got the apron: took a trip to London and filmed a guest spot on READY STEADY COOK, complete with spoon bending and mind reading... How cool is THAT? Wooohooo! It’s scheduled to be broadcast on Halloween, 4.30pm BBC2, but that COULD change.
(2) Caught the films THE WICKER MAN and THE QUEEN (No sign of Freddie Mercury, though!).
(3) A TRUE Ghost Story – this is seriously spooky!
(3) Missed out on the chance of a six-day, two-gig trip to SOUTH AFRICA.
(4) Visited GLAMIS CASTLE,
(5) Had a gig at ARMIT HOUSE near SCOTLANDWELL in Fife, and made a LOT of enemies during my return journey.
(6) Was back for my annual table-hopping performance at the MOUNT ROYAL HOTEL, where I met up with JOHN LESLIE.
(7) Also had a great lark around with good friend PAUL JOHNSON, and star of LES MISERABLES, JEFF LEIGHTON.
(8) There was a gig at DALHOUSIE CASTLE, and another at SAINT ANDREWS BAY HOTEL, where I had my photograph taken with SHIRLEY BASSEY... well, almost. (Congratulations, by the way to "Tricky" Ricky McLeod: ten years of performing at The Sick Kids and at the children’s Hospice, Rachel House.)
(9) And another gig at KELVINGROVE ART GALLERY where I met SEAN CONNERY... well almoshsht.
(10) Had a full page, two-picture feature in THE SUNDAY POST.
(11) I was also back for another wee gig at OXENFOORD CASTLE...
(12) ...a day-off visit to STIRLING CASTLE and a surprise with the curator.
(13) My very good friend, and top mentalist/lecturer, IAN ROWLAND came North of the Border this month
(14) And I managed to meet up with Ace guitarist and all-round good egg) GORDON GILTRAP.
(15) Oh, and my appearance on Ready, Steady Cook is scheduled to be shown on Halloween, though that may change and I won’t know until one week before transmission date... but that’s what they are planning at the moment. On another note, there should be features in The Lothian Courier and The Daily Record at some time in the coming couple of weeks.

WANT THE STORIES IN MORE DETAIL? Okay, here we go...

READY, STEADY... MAKE A COMPLETE BURKE OF YOURSELF...
I had a tremendous day at the Ready Steady Cook studios (Thank you Susie Townson, Queen of TV Agents, for organising that!) Okay, now look, I’m no cook. And had it been left to me the poor chef would have had a bag of crisps, a Variety pack of Coco Pops and a Curly Wurly to work with. Fortunately, they were aware that I don’t cook. I was paired (Green Peppers rule!) with Chef Nick Nairn – a wonderful, funny, helpful guy. (Oddly, it wasn’t until i returned that my agent, Douglas, reminded me that I had met him before.)The other guest (Red Tomato hang your head in shame!) was Tom Lyon.

Tom is a young, and very talented, escapologist. Now, to him this was old hat (Tom has been on Blue Peter, Ant and Dec, Richard and Judy... the list goes on.) So, Tom, I hope you missed the moment when I tried to turn on the electric mixer and jettisoned the prongs into the bowl... twice! I had the opportunity to try a mind-reading experiment with Ainsley Harriet, and bent one of the kitchen spoons. According to Tom – I wouldn’t admit to this – it was the voting from the studio audience was the biggest landslide yet... I am now being accused of subliminally interfering with the audience members. (That doesn’t sound right, does it?)

CINEMA
Went to the cinema to see The Wicker Man with my good friend Susan. In my opinion, the new one doesn’t hold a flickering candle flame (pun intended) to the old one, which scared the little Y-fronts right off me. And still does. But that’s just my opinion.

FUNNY, FUNNY, FUNNY
If you’ve got broadband, and you haven’t heard of OK GO, then do yourself a favour and click on the link below to watch the treadmill dance. I LOVE it, and it’s no surprise that it’s fast becoming the most downloaded clip in Internet History.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pv5zWaTEVkI

SERIOUSLY SPOOKY.
Had to deal with a seriously spooked out Colin McLeod this month. Now, look, you have my absolute word that Colin is sane, sensible – and a darned good mind reader, too. He’s not the kind of guy to make things up, and he was seriously shocked by the following incident. He was driving onto the M8 at the Livingston Interchange one evening this month. It WAS dark, and it WAS raining, but the area has good street lighting. He checked his rear-view mirror to make sure there was nothing behind him, and there, in the back seat, was a young boy. The lad was looking out of the window, and slowly turned his head to meet Colin’s gaze. Colin got such a fright that he pulled over. His mother looks after children at their house, so in a panic he assumed that one of the kids had somehow managed to climb into the back of his car while it was parked outside... but when he checked... there was nobody there.

Yeah, spooked me, too. But not as much as it spooked poor Colin!

CLASH OF THE DATES
Darn and Dash. Usually, things just work out beautifully in my diary. However, this month I had a gig in my diary for a client who had specifically asked for me, and the contracts were duly signed. Out of the blue, another agent phoned offering a prestige job which – because an agreement is an agreement – I couldn’t take. A five-day tip, with two gigs, to Johannesburg, South Africa. Aaaargh! Instead, I had to fix a smile on my face and do the small gig just outside Edinburgh. (Mind you it WAS a great gig, and a LOT of fun.)

CAUGHT IN THE BEAM
Had a gig at ARMIT HOUSE near SCOTLANDWELL in Fife. It was a small, intimate affair and I left feeling jolly pleased with myself. However, on the return journey, my car headlights managed to get stuck on main beam. Boy, the journey back that night was no pleasure – and yelling "The lights are stuck... sorry!" from the window as you hurtle along the motorway doesn’t appease anybody! I made a LOT of enemies during my return journey.

FIREWORKS
Every year, at the end of the Edinburgh Festival, thousands of people flood into princes Street for the big firework display and classical music concert at The Castle – it really is a spectacle worth catching. So once again this year I was ensconced in The Mount Royal Hotel. Bend a few spoons. Read a few minds. Then enjoy the firework display over Edinburgh Castle in comfort. Seems fair!

UP YER KILT
My very good friend Paul Johnson turned up in my village – well, not MY village, but you know what I mean – TWICE this month. He was being fitted for a kilt at the local kilt shop (best in the country, thoroughly recommended: MacDonald’s in West Calder.) To my very real delight he was in the company of somebody I hadn’t seen in over ten years. Jeff Leighton, who played the lead, Jean Valjean, in Les Miserables, and has – as you will know if you caught the production – the most incredible singing voice you’re likely to hear this side of heaven. The serious fitting of the kilt aside, we had a great time back at my house, and in the village cafe. The place is never going to be the same after these two jokers have left their mark. Thanks, guys, big laugh, and a great break from the humdrum monotony (No, REALLY!)

BURLY CHASSIS and 007
Other gigs this month included Dalhousie Castle, and another at the very posh St Andrews Bay Hotel (where I had the great pleasure of sharing the revellers’ attention with top magician Ricky McLeod.) Both of us were a backstage at one point and Shirley Bassey was there.. well, a look-alike, okay? I thought she looked great, but Ricky was either so gobsmacked, or being his usual funny self, that he said: "Hi, Tina!". Personally, I don’t know how he got away with THAT one!

A couple of days later, at The Kelvingrove Art Gallery, the band struck up with the James Bond theme, and who walks in, large as life, but Sean Connery... well, a look-alike, okay?

I just HAD to get my photograph of the two of us, with the ubiquitous bent spoon, for the album, I hope he treasures it!

CASTLE
I was also back for a gig at OXENFOORD CASTLE. What a venue. A beautiful, remote, ancestral pile. But, interesting for me because my friend Ian Grindlay keeps his helicopters there, in the grounds. (I "broke" one of them one, and I don’t think he’s ever forgiven me – long story. Mind you, he dropped one straight out the sky a couple of years back, and it was decided that he should be moved by air ambulance. As they loaded him into the chopper he could be heard complaining; "I just crashed in one of these ***** things, and you’re putting me into another one!?".

ANOTHER CASTLE
Historic Scotland had a day of magic at Stirling castle. It was an opportunity to meet up with some of the performers whom I’ve know for a few years (NB I like magic, bit I am NOT a magician. Okay?) Performers included Mark Fiskin, Jay Scott Berry and Ali Bongo (Ali was proudly wearing his kilt: his real name is William Wallace: "You can take my life, but you’ll never take my... SPONGE BALLS!") However, the thing that gave me the greatest pleasure was when on of the custodians recognised me from a performance at the castle a few weeks ago, and proudly informed me that he still has the spoon I bent for him. Wow! Things like that really gladden the heart!

CHOMP AND CHAT
My very good friend, and top mentalist/lecturer, IAN ROWLAND came North of the Border this month for a lecture in Glasgow. (Which was very brave of him considering the number of derogatory comments he’s made about Scotland. Still, he’s discovered Laphroig Malt Whisky and has been photographed in a kilt, so he’s learning his place!) It was a great chance for Colin McLeod and me to catch up with him, have a bite to eat, and blather about our dark, deceptive art. Always a pleasure, my friend!

GORDON ON GUITAR
This month was also a chance to meet up with Ace guitarist and all-round good egg, GORDON GILTRAP and his delightful wife, HILARY. Two of the nicest people on the planet. He’s coming back next year – with gigs in Glasgow and Edinburgh. I’ll flag it up in the newsletter before it happens. If you want to hear guitar playing like you’ve never heard it before, and be treated to a great night of entertainment, do yourself a favour and get along!

ONE FOR THE DIARIES IF YOU WANT TO SEE ME MAKE A TWIT OF MYSELF ON TV...
Oh, and my appearance on Ready, Steady Cook is scheduled to be shown on Halloween, though that may change and I won’t know until one week before transmission date... but that’s what they are planning at the moment. On another note, there should be features in The Lothian Courier and The Daily Record at some time in the coming couple of weeks.

And for those of you who made it right to the end... Here are some GREAT TRUTHS KIDS HAVE LEARNED:
No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
If your sister hits you, don't hit her back - they always catch the second person.
Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.

AND SOME GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:
At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . having money.
At age 50 success is . . . having money.
At age 70 success is . .. . having a drivers licence.
At age 80 success is . . . having friends.
At age 90 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

THANKS FOR GETTING THIS FAR. That’s what I’VE been up to, but PLEASE the purpose of this mewsletter is so that I can keep in touch. It means a lot when you hit "reply" and let me know what’s going on in YOUR life. So, please, take the time and drop me a line. That means YOU!

ENDS