January 2006

THIS MONTH IN BRIEF
CAR WASHING PHILOSOPHY
CRAIG STEELE
RODDY THE PIPER
URI GELLER TOUR DATES.
CAN’T GET A PICTURE

THIS MONTH IN BRIEF
I SEEM to have been running around all day, every day. Yet when I add it all up, it doesn't seem to come to much. Weird! There was a severe lack of shows this month, due to the fact that I was AWOL in the Carribean for most of December, but my agents are changing things... they're inundating me with work, and 2006 is really shaping up nicely. (Thanks guys for all your hard work, and keeping me in mind.)

Shows this month included a gig at Melville Castle, at Elite Control Systems – at the behest of Sam and Ewan, two of the nicest guys you could meet. There was also a show at the Dalmahoy Hotel, one at Pitoddrie House Hotel in Inveruruie and a gig at the Mansefild Hotel in Elgin.

When not actually gigging, there was hurried trips South of the Border for filming work – with more to come. It’s all pretty much a waiting game at the moment to see what formats the TV folks come up with. Boy, but it’s fun!

CAR WASHING PHILOSOPHY
THOSE who know me are aware that I like to hang around after a show and actually MEET the people to whom I’ve been performing all night. Those who know me also know that as a matter ofprinciple, I never wash my car – (though it did get a dunking this month.) Therefore, I was pleased to meet somebody after-show who has the same mindset – though he has a much more scientific take on the whole thing. He pointed out that a car will only get so dirty, but won’t get any dirtier than that – a sort of terminal filthiness. What’s more, he saves a fortune on car washes by driving very, very fast in the rain... it’s like a power wash! I like his thinking.

CRAIG STEELE
Many thanks to actor Craig Steele, who is off to Broadway for a run before bringing it back here to the Edinburgh Festival Theatre, and later the Edinburgh Festival. Craig took time out, at my request, to teach Young Colin McLeod and I the techniques of effective voice projection. He spoke a lot of sense and lumbered us with a pile of tasks and exercises... "Oh what a to-do to die today, at a minute or two to two. A thing dist-inctly hard to say, but harder still to do...." How am I doing, Craig?

RODDY THE PIPER
Oh, and a special mention to Pipe Major Roderick Deans, a handsome – and remarkably talented – young man. (You can visit his website at www.roddythepiper.com and even listento his pipe playing.) However, his acting out and deliver of Robert Burns’ "Address to a Haggis" has to be seen and heard to be believed.

URI GELLER’S FEBRUARY TOUR DATES.
Uri Geller Explains the Unexplained Afterlife, Most Haunted, Positive Thinking, The Mind, Healing, Motivation, UFO's, Stop Smoking, The 11:11 Phenomenon. Suitable for all the family; you're invited to bring along a broken watch and a few spoons.
3rd EPSOM Epsom Playhouse 01372 7425554th WIMBLEDON New Wimbledon Theatre 08700 60664610th MAIDSTONE Corn Exchange Complex 01622 75861122th MANSFIELD The Palace Theatre 01623 63313324th AYLESBURY Civic Centre 01296 48600925th ST ALBANS Alban Arena 01727 844488
More dates to follow next month and April (including two dates in Scotland.)

CAN’T GET A PICTURE...
My friend Neil Grant, stays in a, to say the least, remote part of Scotland. He was fed up getting letters from the Television Licensing Authority for non-payment of a TV license, and having nothing better to do one night... this is a rough transcript of the telephone conversation.
Hello, you keep sending me letters but I have no intention of purchasing a TV license.
But you have to.
Why?
Well, you have a television...
Yes, but I don’t watch BBC
Even so, you are required to have a license.
But I can’t get a picture.
Perhaps not, but you have the potential to get a picture.
I don’t think so. I’ve spent hours erecting a pole and an aerial, but I can’t get a picture.
Yes, but you have the POTENTIAL to get a picture.
Maybe so, but I can’t get a picture.
We are supplying a service, and you have to pay for it.
So I have to pay for a service you supply, but I don’t use?
Yes.
Even though I can’t get a picture?
Yes – because you have the POTENTIAL to get a picture.
But I can’t get a picture.
But you have the POTENTIAL to get a picture.
So why aren’t you in prison?
Huh?
Well, you have the POTENTIAL to commit murder. So, using your logic, you should be locked up.
It’s not the same, is it?
Potentially, it is!
It’s company policy.
It’s not MY policy, lady.
It’s our policy.
It’s not Safeway’s policy, is it? They don’t charge me extra for beans just because I have the POTENTIAL to buy them.
That’s not the same.
I know it’s not the same – I CAN get beans, but I CAN’T get a picture.
Well, we’ll need to send somebody up to examine your equipment.
(Much stifled mirth!)
Now why would you do that?
We need to check that you can’t get a picture.
Lady, I’m telling you that I can’t get a picture.
But we have to check.
You have to check that I’m not using your goods? Safeway doesn’t send somebody round to make sure I’ve paid for everything.
All the same, we have to send our representatives to visit you.
Okay, so what will they want for breakfast?
Eh?
Look, lady, I live on a pimple on the carbuncle on the backside of nowhere – it’ll take them a day’s trek just to get here, and there ain’t no hotels.
Ah.
So, where do I send the bill for bed and breakfast.
A bill? We wouldn’t pay for their accommodation and food.
Why not?
Because they wouldn’t be taking up your offer.
Ah, yes, but they have the POTENTIAL to sleep at my house and eat my food.
But they won’t be getting bed and breakfast, so we wouldn’t pay it.
So why should I pay when I can’t get a picture?
Look, we’re getting nowhere. Let me bring an engineer on the line... Hello, Ted, this gentleman says he can’t get a picture, even though he has all the equipment.
You can’t get a picture?
I can’t get a picture.
What’s your postcode?
(Neil tells him.)
You won’t get a picture.
Yes, I know that, and you know that, but would you mind telling the dingbat on the line?
Hello...? Hello ?Hello....?.

***
NEXT MONTH
Gig in Inveraray for headmasters (!),
a private masked ball (!),
two trips to London,
filming,
TV meetings,
Melville Castle,
Aberdeen (Treetops Hotel),
Inchyra grange Hotel (after dinner speaking),
Aberdeen again
...It just goes on, doesn’t it? And isn’t it GRRRREAT!?

Best wishes to you,
Drew
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