November 2005

WELL, EVERYBODY, JUST TO LET YOU KNOW I’M OFF TO THE CARIBBEAN FOR A FEW WEEKS. ENJOY THE WINTRY WEATHER WHILE I’M GONE, AND HAVE A FABULOUS HOLIDAY SEASON TO YOURSELVES.

Now – this past month....

Here, ye. Oh, hear ye – don’t miss this (especially all you fellow hacks and writers.) I just received a pre-transmission tape of a great new TV programme from my good friend Paul Zenon. Entitled PAUL ZENON’S REVENGE SQUAD, it’s to be shown on ITV on December 23. (putthat date in your diary right now.) I don’t want to give too much away, but take the title of the program, add Paul’s wacky sense of humour... and think of all those things you’d like to do to Traffic Wardens. Done that? Well, you’re not even halfway there! It’s gloriously funny, and if you’ve ever had a parking ticket in your life then you’ll be gleefully applauding him and his team as they wreak their revenge in YOUR name.
Now –for the journo’s who get this: This program deserves some coverage – all greatly appreciated. I’m away to the Caribbean for three weeks, so I can’t be the go-between. However, Paul tells me he has pix if you need ‘em. Also, I can give you his telephone number if you want an interview, but you’re going to have to be AWFULLY quick as I leave early Friday.

Xxx

I forgot how much fun it was. I took my little friend Emily on the Caterpillar (a sort of mini-roller coaster) in Princes Street Gardens Winter Wonderland. It must be one of the most wonderful feelings in the world, having a wide-eyed wee tot clinging to you, excitement and fear all mixed up but perfectly trusting that you will let no harm come to her. Now THAT’s fun!

xxxx

This little diamond just in from top after-dinner speaker and all round good-guy, Len Murray (and author of "The Pleader" an excellent Xmas gift.):A wee Glasgow fellow staggering along the Trongate wearing only one shoe. He meets his pal who asks: "Hiv ye loast a shoe?" "Naw" he replies, "ah found wan".

Xxxx

I always love an optimist. Barry the journalist wants to write a book on my techniques, and me, and we had agreed to hook up with a literary agent at The Rutland in Edinburgh. I was with Barry, while we were waiting on the literary agent turning up, and sitting at the window looking towards Princes Street, we watched a downpour of monsoon proportions. Miserable-faced crowds were scurrying from doorway to doorway, covering their heads with briefcases and newspapers – anything to deflect the onslaught. The sky was so dark it looked bruised. Staring skywards, with a wide grin, Barry said: "We’ll get a rainbow out of this."
Howzat for looking on the bright side?

XXX

Well, I was there, and I know a few of you were, too. What can I say: Steve Harley at the Usher Hall. The gig was, of course, brilliant and I had a chance to meet up with top music journo Billy Sloane again. I had the opportunity to take some "family" backstage after the gig. And here’s the real mark of the man (and the band) in that they took time to chat, and show a real interest in them. Thanks Steve; not all heroes have feet of clay.

Xxxx

Now, here’s a cause well worth supporting. Dunbar-based magician Gladys Chucklebutty (no, that’s not her real name!) is doing a special charity event on Friday, January 6 in aid of the Sick Kids Hospital Cancer ward in Edinburgh. She’s going to be given a 100% genuine purple mohican haircut – cut, shaved and dyed – no messing. You’ve just GOT to admire that! According to Gladys, "The night will be a Fundraising Frenzied consisting of a Darts Marathon, Raffle, Disco and Gelled Purple Mohican,s For ALL that want them !
To help out / Donate or find out more, please call Gladys on Tel / Fax ; 01368 863 757 or Mobile 07971 946 708
Journalist friends on this newsletter – take note.

XXXX

(For those of you who don’t know, a "mentalist" is what I am. In Scotland that means somebody who needs locked up, but elsewhere it is a generic term for a person of offers my brand of ESP / mindreading entertainment.)
A mentalist was out walking in the countryside one day when a frog called out to him. He bent down, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog called out again, saying, "If you kiss me I shall turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you for a week as your mistress." The mentalist took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. The frog called out once more, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for as long as you wish and do absolutely anything that you want. Again the mentalist took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back. Finally, the frog demanded, "What's the matter? You can turn me back into a beautiful princess, and I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" to which the mentalist replied, "Understand, I'm a mentalist. I simply don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog ....... that's cool"

Xxxx

I had a surprise visitor this month when my old chum Dave Cairns turned up unexpectedly at my office. Thosee of you who know me know my particular penchant for acute observation, so I was rather tickled to notice that his watch was wrong by one hour. Quizzing him, I asked if he’s been turning up late for things recently. Puzzled, he said he hadn’t. I then pointed out that I had observed the fact his watch was out by an hour and my steel-trap mind had deduced that, despite what he said, he MUST have been running early to appointments in that case.... I allowed myself a smug smile, before he pointed out that it was ME who had forgotten to alter his watch when the clocks changed that month... bugger. That explains a few things!

xxx

Well, thanks to SUSIE TOWNSON, an exceptionally efficient and talented TV commissioning agent, I have been up and down to London, attending meetings and pilot filming several times this month. Mind you – what brilliant fun! The programme makers seem mightily impressed and keen to do something, but there’s a problem... They need a format for what I do – some idea that they can actually build a programme or series around. So if any of you have any (serious) suggestions, I’d be glad to hear ‘em. Thanks to my mate Mike Pickford, who just plucked one straight out of the air – the folks in TV land seem to like it, and if it’s a goer he will be duly rewarded.

Xxxx

One of my flights up from Doon Sooth was on the evening of November 5th. Bonfire night. Descending into Edinburgh, I swear the locals were using our plane for target practice with their rockets. All rather disconcerting – but rather pretty, all the same!

xxxx

Hi, and welcome, to new friends who attended this month’s gigs at The Marriot, The Dalmahoy, Peterhead, the EICC and Melville Castle., It was fun, wasn’t it? Thank you for your company and your applause.

XXXX

To all those regular readers of this newsletter, I’m off on a big boat now – swimming with dolphins, whale watching, horse riding through the surf. .etc etc... While I’m away, DO think about dropping me a wee note to let me know what’s going on in your life. It’s the whole reason for this newsletter!

Best wishes,

ENDS