January 2005

NAVIGATION
JANUARY GIGS
FITBA’ DAFT
COSMETIC SURGERY
SEANCE
URI GELLER JEWELLERY
NAVIGATION

Remember I told you last month about the TomTom Go GPS navigator? Well, several of you contacted me to ask if it was REALLY that good. Well, yes... except for a couple of things you have to watch out for.
Mine didn’t know that the new section of the A1 had been opened, so when I was going down to visit my mum in North Berwick, it sent me straight past Haddington, all the time pleading with me to bear left at the next junction, which I couldn’t because I was on a sliproad-less dual carriageway. I ended up in Dunbar before I could turn round and head back.

One other thing about the GPS – it calculates the SHORTEST route, not necessarily the QUICKEST (though to be fair, you can get it to search for alternatives if you know what you’re doing). Which is why, when making my way from a show in Inverness to the next on in Aberdeen, it took me via Tomintoul and the Lecht – at the time of the storms. For those of you who don’t know this area, it’s a wilderness of mountain pass, raging streams and snow. A LOT of snow. It’s so desolate up there that there are still some clansmen making their way back along the single-track-with-passing-places-for-sheep roads after the defeat on Culloden Moor!

It sure was purty, though!

JANUARY GIGS
The month started on the first, with a cracking little gig at Melville Castle, Edinburgh. Time spent with owner, BILL HAY, is never wasted. He’s one of life’s real characters.

I had a show on at the Inverness Marriott Hotel – on the day the hurricane arrived. Sandbags and swollen rivers - the signs were all there. Certainly, just as I pulled in, the wind and the rain arrived, too. I think Scotland is missing out on a great marketing ploy. Surely people would come from all over the world to see our amazing horizontal rain?!

From Inverness to Ardoe House in Aberdeen for the next show (via the snow-covered mountains – see above). Both these gigs were in a series organised by an amazing, energetic young company RP2, or Relentless Pursuit of Perfection Limited. Hats off to IAIN DAWSON of that company!) www.relentlesspursuit.co.uk

A couple of nights later I was at Prestonfield House, Edinburgh, for the staff of the Sheraton Hotel... Thank you GILLIAN for all your help with that one.

Then there was a preferred-suppliers finger buffet at Dundas Castle, and a cracking little show for Royal Bank of Scotland at the Roxburgh Hotel. Special thanks here to CLAIRE who was the – very professional – sound engineer. Much obliged.

Another gig this month was at the Stirling Highland Hotel – the old High School where I was performing for the Civil Aviation Authority and a gaggle of Air Traffic Controllers. I had a ball, and they seemed to, too. (too too?)

I also performed at the exclusive Woodbank House in Aberdeen this month, for the go-ahead Linkfleet Company. It was certainly packed, with not much space. In fact, because I needed a bit of room for manoeuvre, everything was moved back, blocking the only door. This meant that those who wanted to "powder their noses" before the show began had to go on a guided tour of the kitchens to get from one room to the lobby. Bedlam, it was! However, special thanks to the staff, particularly KERRY, who made sure everything ran smoothly.

Thanks also to MAUREEN, BIG JIM, WEE JIM, AND GORDON.
While there, it was also great to meet up with my old chum, fellow after-dinner speaker and Scottish football legend, JOE HARPER at the gig. Some of you may have heard that Joe wasn’t very well a few months ago... well, he’s recovering fast and looking great now!

FITBA’ DAFT
Talking of football legends... Just to do something different, I went to see local football club Livingston take on Caledonian Thistle. Dear, dear me. I’m not football fan, but I’m sure the Livvy goalkeeper could have done more than stand with his hands on his hips, watching the ball glide past his head - and that was just goal number one. Livvy were thumped 4-1 – during which I toasted each and every goal with a cup of Bovril. The best part of it all was that I learned a new song, the Cally Thistle anthem to Livvy, entitled Can We Play You Every Week?

COSMETIC SURGERY
Flattering as it is, I’ve had a few requests for signed promo photo’s. So, I approached the awfy-bonnie MARTHA of Full Circle Design. She already had a few photographs of me (thank you Gary Baker) but I felt the one that was going to be used made me look washed-out out and pale. "Can you add a bit of colour to it?" I asked. Which Martha did. Imagine my shock when I was shown a sample pic of me wearing rouge, lipstick and a fetching shade of blue eye shadow. I look like the wrinkly love child of Julian Clary and John Lydon!

Nice one, Martha! For everybody else, grab ‘em while you can – they’re likely to become collectors’ items!

COMING UP THIS MONTH IN THE UK : SEANCE with Derren Brown. If you haven’t already seen it, make sure you catch it at 11:10pm in Friday February 4. Also, for those who get SKY or cable, Uri Geller is on QVC at 12 noon on Tuesday 8th February, presenting his range of jewellery, inspired by important aspects of his life such as spheres, movement and Egyptian themes. Stick ‘em in your diary now.

ENDS